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Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg

  • James Burr
  • Jul 30
  • 4 min read
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A Human-Centred Framework for Conflict, Connection, and Communication

In the field of mediation and interpersonal conflict resolution, it is rare to encounter a communication framework as deeply humanising and practically transformative as Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Written by clinical psychologist and international peace facilitator Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life offers more than techniques—it offers a philosophy of dialogue rooted in compassion, clarity, and mutual respect.


Having studied this work alongside other behavioural and negotiation models—such as those of Vanessa Van Edwards in non-verbal communication and Fisher & Ury’s Getting to Yes—I’ve found NVC to be a uniquely powerful complement. Where traditional negotiation methods focus on resolving problems, NVC begins with transforming relationships.


What Is Nonviolent Communication?

At its core, NVC is a method of communication that fosters understanding and cooperation instead of blame or coercion. It invites us to move away from reactive language and habitual conflict patterns, and instead speak and listen in a way that:

  • Centres universal human needs

  • Encourages emotional honesty

  • Builds empathy as a bridge to resolution

The book is based on the premise that behind every conflict—whether personal or political—are unmet needs. Our challenge is not just to solve problems, but to uncover those needs without judgment and express our own without aggression.


The Four Pillars of Nonviolent Communication

Rosenberg’s NVC framework is built around four key components. These can be applied in both everyday life and formal mediation settings to radically improve clarity and compassion in communication.


1. Observation (Without Evaluation)

Describe what happened without blame, judgment, or interpretation.

Rather than saying, “You’re always rude,” an NVC approach would sound like:🗨️ “When I shared my idea, you started speaking before I’d finished.”

This clarity helps prevent defensiveness and grounds the conversation in shared reality.


2. Feelings (Naming Emotions Clearly)

Identify and express how the situation makes you feel.

Instead of hiding behind vague statements like, “I feel like you don’t care,” NVC encourages specificity:🗨️ “I feel hurt and dismissed.”

By owning our emotions rather than projecting them, we maintain connection and reduce escalation.


3. Needs (Understanding the Human Element)

Connect feelings to the universal needs behind them.

Rosenberg teaches that our emotions come from met or unmet needs—not from what others "do to us."🗨️ “I feel hurt because I have a need to be included in decision-making.”

This step fosters self-awareness and helps others see our vulnerability, not just our frustration.


4. Requests (Making Clear, Positive, Doable Requests)

Ask for a specific action that would help meet the need.

Instead of demanding change, NVC asks us to make respectful requests:🗨️ “Would you be willing to pause next time before responding, so I can finish sharing?”

Requests invite collaboration rather than compliance, keeping dignity intact for both parties.


How This Applies to Mediation

As mediators, we often work in emotionally charged spaces where misunderstandings run deep and trust is fragile. Traditional dispute resolution can sometimes over-prioritise the solution and under-attend to the people. NVC changes that.

By bringing NVC principles into mediation, we:

  • Help clients articulate needs rather than defend positions

  • Reduce shame and blame, allowing honest dialogue to emerge

  • Model emotional accountability and non-defensive listening

  • Encourage mutually created outcomes, not imposed compromises

For example, in relationship mediation, NVC can uncover needs for affection, autonomy, or security beneath long-standing patterns of resentment. In workplace mediation, it helps frame issues as shared problems to solve—not personal attacks to endure.


Educational Insights for Readers

Here are a few key insights from the book that I regularly incorporate into my practice—and that I believe are worth learning for anyone who navigates human conflict (i.e., all of us):


“Should” language breeds resistance.

Statements like “You should be more respectful” imply moral judgment and often trigger defensiveness. Replacing “should” with a description of what you value changes the dynamic:🗨️ “I value being spoken to calmly when tensions are high.”


Anger is a tragic expression of unmet needs.

Rosenberg reframes anger not as something to suppress, but as a signal—a flare for help. Exploring what’s underneath anger often reveals powerful, relatable needs like fairness, respect, or inclusion.


Empathy is presence, not fixing.

NVC defines empathy not as solving someone’s problem, but being fully with their experience. In mediation, simply reflecting what someone feels and needs can defuse even long-standing hostility.


Limitations to Be Aware Of

While NVC is powerful, it’s not always easy to apply—especially in high-conflict or trauma-rich environments. Key challenges include:

  • Emotional fluency gap: Not everyone is comfortable naming feelings or needs. It takes practice.

  • Risk of appearing robotic: When first learning NVC, people may sound unnatural. With time, authenticity replaces the formula.

  • Power imbalances: NVC assumes both parties are willing to engage empathetically. In hierarchical or abusive dynamics, additional safeguards are needed.


Conclusion: Why This Book Matters

Nonviolent Communication is one of the most profound tools I’ve encountered—not just as a mediator, but as a human being navigating relationships, leadership, and life. It offers a transformative shift in how we think about conflict, replacing judgment with curiosity, coercion with consent, and defensiveness with dignity.


If you’re looking to resolve conflict not by overpowering others, but by truly understanding them—this book is essential. And if you’re seeking to be better heard, better understood, and better able to express yourself—this book is a gift.


Author: James Burr

Professional Mediator | Founder, The Mediators

Helping people talk, listen, and move forward—together.



 
 
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